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Today, a young man on acid realised that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration — that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death; life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves... Here's Tom with the weather!

Bill Hicks

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

George Carlin

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Mitch Hedberg

The John Cleese Theory Of Convenience:

Everyone will do only what's most convenient for them and if you want things done your way you must not appear too agreeable or easy to please, or you will be the victim of other people's desire for convenience.

Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you've never met-- all of a sudden you take pride in accomplishments you had no part in whatsoever.

Doug Stanhope