Hmmm... I know which one I'd rather listen to...

Dear boss,

I've asked for a headset for 4 months now. I am on the phone 90% of the day. You are a cunt for buying yourself a headset and not me. That is just fucking outrageous you git. I will sue you. Watch this space arsehat.

Straps x

Dear bbs,

arsehat is a great word. You should call more people arsehats more of the time.

ws_h x

my underling might write

Dear Boss, get off Mess and Noise and do some wok.
ha.

'arsehat' is great, I am also a big fan of 'clown shoes' and 'fucktard'

at least your boss knows who cosmic psychos are.

im a fan of "cheesehead" or "cheesebread" "cheesytits" anything with cheese

I suspect he only said the name Cosmic Psychos because I mentioned about Robbie Watts passing away.

dear boss,

you are the fucking shit! you drive me to the most tender feelings and it's all i can do to stop myself from reaching out and brushing the dandruff from your shoulders. i am fully aware of your faults but i don't care what anyone says, i won't hear a bad word said about you. thanks for the ridiculously easy ride, the lax hours, the udls, the early marks and the low expectations.

dear b,

i do not appreciate the scenario that you put me through 5 minutes ago.

b: i used to listen to music like this
j: cool
b: late nights, grass... bet you didnt think i was cool
j: you're right
b: after uni, room full of smoke...
j: mmmhmm.....
b: yeah...
j: yeah...

what do you want from me?

regards,
j.beats

he wants you to get him some cock

well done blake...

dear boss,

a 2nd letter - only a day later. i get that you got a new computer. i get that it has better speakers than mine (which i might point out, you bought in the first place)... but i dont understand why we have to now sit through your fucking... whatever the hell kind of music this is. please, please, please end this torture. as a compromise - id promise to be here before 907, (allowing of course, for the occasional "late train").

thanks in advance,

beats

what's he playing?

did you get him some cock?

something from his motherland... and yes, i got him a truckload. we havent spoken of drugs since.

siigggghhhh

dear boss,

this just isnt working out. when you leave today, im going to look for a new job. first, you request i be here at 8am. you rock up at 851 and tell me your kid was sick. (do i look like i care?). two, you give me all this shit i dont know how to do - then you ask me if im a writer and compare learning to reading the first chapter of a book ive never read. then you tell me you could hire somebody else to do the same thing, but you like me... so you'll give me a chance.

thanks a bunch.... i know i cost a third of what you'd have to pay someone to do what im doing. so with all due respect (which is very little).... goodbye.

r, beats

ps - this is last truckload of cock i get you.

take back the cock you got him!

he doesn't deserve it!

dear boss,

you've been away from the office for 4 weeks, and things have been going ok. when you show up next week, please just let things go along as they've been going, don't throw your weight around just to show who's boss, who's important, and to make people feel small.

you do know that at least three of your staff are actively looking for other employment because they don't like the way you're running things, right?

de.foxus

Dear boss,

So it's not enough that you don't even credit me anywhere in your publication, when my job is to make you not sound like a dickhead. Now you have that rat-faced little psephologist writing a daily tally of all the "typos" in yesterday's edition! Did you ever consider that:

a) They are usually not typos but FACTUAL ERRORS that are the author's responsibility to pick up, given that I don't know the names and job titles of everybody in the known world;
b) Most of these errors are in stories I don't edit - yet I'm the one who suffers because everyone who knows I do this job assumes they are my fuck-ups.

I could make you look pretty fucking bad simply by leaving all your dumb illiterate errors in. But I don't - because I'm professional and I value my work. Pity you don't.

Rosie.

rosie, i feel your pain - subbing is the invisible job; people only notice when you fuck up. take out a thousand bullshit spellings, crap punctuation, grammar etc, and yet if they find one error left in - to a thousand or more you've removed! - watch all hell break loose.

i reckon you should be able to have your performance measured as an ed by having the source and finished documents A/Bd alongside each other.

bosses'd have some fucking red faces and less cheek then.

Dear boss,
I know you love arguing about politics and all, and I'm not one to turn down free beers but it gets a little tiring after a while.
Can we just agree to disagree?

dear former boss,

i know what yr up to and i think yr a damn fool, but there ya go.

have fun!

ww.

Dear Boss

When our server goes down 15 minutes before home time, and the IT guy says it will be fixed overnight, and clearly we can't do any more work before home time. It would be really nice if you'd just say ''OK guys see you tomorrow''. Instead of sitting there watching the clock for the last 15 minutes of the day. Knowing fully well that all employees are sitting there doing nothing!

Arsehole

Dear boss,

You're not the sharpest tool in the shed are you?

Fucken hell.

Hhh

Dear boss,

Here are my plans for the rest of the week:

Tomorrow - Leave early for doctor's appointment
Thursday - Arrive late/leave early because my car needs to go to the mechanic
Friday - Arrive late cos I damn well feel like it

Cool? Cool. Cheers :)

Dear Boss,

You are awesome! When you were on holidays, if something broke I had to work out how to get it fixed for myself. Now that you're back, you're doing it for me! Awesome!

Thanks,
Coz

Dear Boss

You've really fucking annoyed me this morning.

F. Y. I.

*sulkily*

SS

Dear Boss

YOU'VE JUST PISSED ME OFF AGAIN.

*sighs*

SS

Jeez, you are such a knob.

dear boss,

just because you run around with your hair on fire doesn't mean you're actually being productive. we have IT contractors so you can actually do your job rather than deferring everything.

also, your lynx spray is fucking up my nose

Dear Boss,

At least now your fuckwittery is now taking on humorous proportions, it's kinda easier for me to deal with.

Christ almighty, hhh

so you've gone and made a second adwords account to compete with a adwords shit that we're ALREADY running, and you're confused as to why the cost-per-click price keeps increasing. to add to that you still don't know what our department budget is. you fucking twat

dear boss

please stop interrupting me to tell me how awesome you are every 10 minutes and then complaining how you never have any time to complete your workload.

if you stop talking about yourself, you'll gain at least another hour per day.

that's my advice,
loads

Dear boss,

Yes, I got yr invite to do a performance review today.

No, I am not prepared for it, probably cos you sent the documents I need to do it at the end of yesterday. Whereas you took a fortnight to do yours with your boss. I know this, cos you told me so yourself.

Since then I've been working all this morning to make sure that everything keeps working like it should, as it currently does.

I'm trying to keep the peace between the two organisations and yr constant strops and hissy fits aren't helping.

So in essence I'd say my performance fucking rocks and its no wonder everyone can't stand you at the moment.

Yours,
w w

Dear Boss. Good idea on posting buzzword bingo media releases to our social media pages. You really get social media, I'm so glad you're so insistent on having it.

Dear boss,

I'm so glad you decided to take the day off for my last day at work today...

Thanks to you I got to rock up after ten, spend all my time socialising, and will be leaving early.

You're awesome!

Warm regards,
Poltastic van Awesome

Dear Boss,

Are you an expert in legal entities, brands, and limited liability?

No. So when I ask the CFO a question I am asking him for his expertise, if you could pipe the fuck down and stop jumping in with the wrong answer we might both learn something.

Every time you say something about heat mapping on Google Analytics, as if is this is a magic thing that can do everything (such as tell us if a visitor was an existing client or not, like you just said), I am just going to stare at an imaginary camera as if I was Tim from The Office.

Ps if I have some data Jan, Feb, March and plot this on a line graph, the bit just before March starts is not Feb 25. We didn't actually record the dates in the month.