n elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leant against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.......................
"F#*# off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
<thumbs up>
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." Mick Malthouse - Collingwood.
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Peter Bell
- Fremantle - on his University Law studies.
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in
groups of three, then line up in a circle." Barry Hall Sydney Captain at
training.
Brock Maclean (Melbourne) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during
his visit to Egypt: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that
we went to."
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what
time it is." Kevin Sheedy on James Hird
Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals vs Day Games "It's basically the
same, just darker."
Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton "I told him, 'Son, what is it with
you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, Barass, I don't know and I
don't care.'
Barry Hall (Sydney) when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to
kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first."
"Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago"(Dermott
Brereton)
"Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." (Mark
Williams)
"He scored that goal after only 22 seconds - totally against the run of
play." (Dermott Brereton)
"We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then
they scored." (Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Luke
Darcy)
"That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it, which
was identical." (Dermott Brereton)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Shane
Wakelin)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of
them serious." (Adrian Anderson)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing
again."(Andrew Demetriou)
"I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but
there are none better." (Dermott Brereton)
"I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a
lifetime for that prat." (Terry Wallace)
Garry Lyon: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?"
David Swartz: "On what?"
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."(Dermott
Brereton)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air
for even longer."(Dermott Brereton)
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water and in the water floated, of all things a condom! When she returned with tea and scones they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. And do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
shane wakelin...what a tool.
Hey scuz,
I got the same email about a month ago but all of the above quotes were attributed to NZ rugby players and coaches.
Hmmmmm.
That footy thing is fantastic.
Thank God I got out of it when I still had some brain cells left.
It isn't real.
Yeah, I got the same one attributed to Rugby Players too, though it fits equally well for both sports, theyre not exactly rocket scientists...
> Yeah, I got the same one attributed to Rugby Players too, though it fits equally well for both sports, theyre not exactly rocket scientists...
Not so sure about that. Rugby League? Sure...as thick as too short planks.
But if I look down the playing roster of the mighty Brumbies, there's barely one of them without a phd!
oops....I stand corrected! Spending too much time purving at their bottoms and not enough time on the stats..
Yeah too good/bad to be true but this one is my favourite:
Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, Barass, I don't know and I don't care.'
I've put it up as my motto at work. Yes - I'm a sad case.
A bloke sees an old school friend after some time and the most obvious change to the bloke is that he now has a big round orange head.
So he asks, "Buddy, what's the deal? Why have you got a big round orange head?" and the bloke says "Well, i found an old lamp and a cleaned it up to sell it and genie popped out and offerted me three wishes.
"The first thing I wished for was a billion dollars -that's why I've got a nice house and car. The next thing I wished for was a beautiful wife, there she is in that shop. Isn't she gorgeous? The third thing I wished for -and this is where I think I went horribly, horribly wrong- was a big round orange head."
Atrocious but oh well .....
Stuttering Problem
Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering."
"Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo?"
The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.
Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches.
The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says: "I dddoonnnbt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble!"
A man goes into a supermarket and buys a six-pack, a bag of potato chips, and a frozen pizza. The girl at the register smiles at him and says, "Single, huh?"
Sarcastically the guy says, "Yeah. How'd you guess, genius?"
Without missing a beat she says, "Because you're fucking ugly."
Make me stop. I'll laugh at anything today.
A guy went to the zoo. The only animal there was one dog. It was a Shitzu.
A strikingly handsome young man walked into the office of a Hollywood agent with his resume and portfolio in hand. The agent reviewed the young man's slim resume and small portfolio with the care that was deserving of his fine young specimen.
"You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanor of an actor. Tell me, have you had any roles that I might be aware of."
"Other than the requisite high school and college plays, no sir," said the handsome young man.
"I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like yours," said the agent.
"Sir?"
"Your name. Penis Van Lesbian. That's not a name that will go far in Hollywood. I'd love to represent you, but you'll have to change your name."
"Sir," the handsome young man protested, "the Van Lesbian name was my father's, my grandfather's and his father's name. We have carried this name for generations and I will not change it for Hollywood or any other reason."
"If you won't change your name, I cannot represent you young man."
"Then I bid you farewell -- my name will not change." With that, Penis Van Lesbian left the agents office never to return.
Five Years Later
The Hollywood agent returned to his office after lunch with some producers and shuffled through his mail. Mostly junk mail, trade journals and the like. There was one letter. He opened the envelope and removed the letter. As he unfolded the fine linen paper, a check dropped from the folds and onto his desk. He looked at the check. It was for 50,000 dollars! He read the letter:
Dear Sir
Several years ago, I entered your office determined to become an actor. You refused to represent me unless I changed my name. I objected, saying the Penis Van Lesbian name had been carried for generations and left your office. However, upon leaving, I chanced to reconsider my hastiness and after considerable reflection, I decided to heed your advice and endeavored to change my name. Now I am a famous actor with many roles and known to millions worldwide.
Having achieved this fame and fortune, it is often that I think back to my meeting with you and your insistence that I change my name. I owe you a debt of gratitude, so please accept this check with my humble thanks, for it was your idea which has brought me to such wealth and fame.
Very Sincerely Yours,
Dick Van Dyke
q. What do you call a black pilot?
a. A pilot, you racist.
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.
The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome
here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do
so.
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the
Priest finally said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5
years. You may speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed.
After another 5 years went by, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that
the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister
Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best", said the Priest,
"You've done nothing but bitch since you got here!"
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to
each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was 4. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
A door-to-door salesman knocks on a door. Its answered by an 8 year old boy dressed in fishnet stockings, a bathrobe and 6-inch stilettoes. He's holding a glass of scotch in one hand, and a massive spliff in the other.
Salesman says - ...Ermm, hiya sonny. Is your mother home?
Kid says - Does it fucking look like it??
Gold.
View Comments 20 to 323
We've limited the amount of comments shown in these larger topics to allow for faster viewing, simply click here to load all the missing comments ...
arghhh...
Q: What's the last thing you want to hear after sucking Willie nelson's cock?
A: ''I'm not Willie Nelson''.
He says ''Just a beer, thanks''.
A time traveller walks into a bar.
A man entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in 10 puns hoping at least one of them would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did
A bloke is walking home after a big night. The sun is just coming up. He's pretty tired and decides to take a shortcut through the cemetery.
As he's walking through the cemetery he sees a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. He thinks it's a bit strange, but keeps walking by and as he passes him he waves and says ''Hey mate, mornin' ''
The guy says, ''Nah, takin a shit''
via sinéad o'connor's twitter:
So, Rene Descartes is in a bar near closing time. The bartender asks him, ''Would you like another drink?''
Descartes replies, ''I think not'' and vanishes.
If you make one more joke about everyone from Blacktown being a bogan, I'll beat the shit out of you with a trolley bar
lulz. That's an old Blacktown joke. lulz
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
Q. What's the difference between the
Costa Concordia and a goat?
A. The Ship's Captain would go down
on a goat.
Nice. It's an old classic given an up to date twist ripped straight from the headlines.
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?
I'n gonna take a while to get hard, I just got laid by some chick.
Darryl was a simple man. Simple wants, simple desires. He liked melted cheese on toast and coffee from a can. He mowed his lawn twice a week and never forgot which week was recycling week. Darryl was, however, quite sad. He wasn't sure exactly what it was that made him sad, he'd never actually pondered on it, he'd always just put it down to being a bit down.
One day whilst at the supermarket restocking, Darryl noticed a poster hanging next to the want ads billboard. It was an advertisement for a circus. 'Lions and Tigers and Bears' said the poster, 'oh my' thought Darryl. He'd never been to a circus before, he'd never really given it any thought, Darryl wasn't the kind of person to travel for entertainment, but this was advertised as happening only 2 blocks from his house.
Darryl left the supermarket and headed home, all the while thinking about the magical wonder of the circus. By the time he'd gotten home Darryl had convinced himself that he must attend. The final selling point was that he figured it might just cheer him up, if only for a while.
There was a full week to wait until the big night. Darryl spent the week preparing things for his big night out. He took his best shoes to the cobbler to have them re-soled and polished. He went and saw the local Barber and requested 'something dapper', for an 'occasion'. He even bought himself a brand new shirt and tie, it had balloons on it, Darryl thought this was most fitting.
Finally after what seemed like forever the big day had arrived. Darryl got himself dressed and organised, then off he went.
When he arrived the circus was in full swing. Family's of different proportions shunting about, random Carnies shouting and displaying their wares. At one point whilst lining up for his ticket into the Big Top he was almost run over by an elephant. Darryl was getting very excited.
Now with his ticket in hand, Darryl made his way to the Big Top. Each ticket was numbered, Darryl's was number 156 and he quickly found his seat. The atmosphere was amazing, so many happy and charmed people all ready to experience wonder, this made Darryl very happy and he was feeling very glad about his decision to attend.
Before long the show started. The ringmaster was as elegant a man as Darryl had ever seen, effortlessly directing the performers and constantly keeping the audience engaged. There were defying trapeze acts and more than a few spectacular moments with Lions. Darryl was very impressed.
Then all of a sudden the lights in the tent went out and a singular spotlight began to scan the room. The audience had gone completely silent. Round and round the light went scooting over nearly every person in the audience, and then, as quickly as it began the light came to a stop and rested squarely on Darryl. Darryl was unsure what was about to happen.
Suddenly a second spotlight came on, but this one did not move, instead it stood highlighting a single clown standing in the middle of the ring. The clown then spoke directly to Darryl.
''Excuse me Sir, but are you the horse's eyes? asked the clown
Darryl was a bit taken aback and didn't really understand the question so he figured he'd best be honest. With a shaky and uncertain voice he replied ''no''.
''Well then excuse me Sir, but are you the horse's nose?'' asked the clown
Still feeling uncertain Darryl was sticking to his plan, ''no'' he replied
''Well then excuse me Sir, but are you the horse's mouth'' asked the clown
Darryl could feel eyes from all over the room on him, watching him in silence, he was beginning to feel very uncomfortable, ''no'' he replied.
''Well then Sir'' exclaimed the clown ''you must be the horse's arse''...
With that the audience erupted with laughter, lights flashed back on, the clown did a few twirls, and the place became ecstatic, all that is, except for Darryl. Darryl was mortified. Being a solitary man Darryl was not used to being made the butt of public humiliation and this instance had upset him very much indeed. Not wanting people to stare at him further Darryl decided the best thing to do was to sit out the rest of the show, though he did not enjoy it. After what seemed like a lifetime the big top came to an end. Not bothering to stay and clap Darryl made his way to the exit. He did not stop for candy floss or a battered sav, he instead headed home as quickly as he could. Darryl climbed into bed, pulled the blankets over his head and sobbed uncontrollably until he finally fell asleep. Darryl didn't leave his home for the next few days, in fact it was almost a week later before he ventured through the garden to check his mail. After almost two weeks Darryl was beginning to run out of coffee and so mustered up the courage to go to the store. He donned a long jacket thick sunglasses and a large hat, it was warm outside but he was not in any mood to be noticed.
The shopping trip was largely uneventful, the coffee was in the same spot it had always been in. Darryl paid for his goods, wondering intensely if the clerk had been a the circus, though judging by her glazed gaze he concluded she wasn't. Upon leaving the store Darryl glanced at the circus poster still hanging by the want ads when something caught his eye. A sticker had been placed on the poster advertising a return season of the same circus in two months time. It was in this moment that Darryl conceived his plan.
Darryl scuttled home as quickly as he could. He dived for his local trader phone book and began making calls. Firstly he booked himself into a gym with a personal trainer, he was going to get buff. Then he called a local Aikido Dojo and signed up for lessons, he was going to learn how to fight. Then he called the local shooting range and again organised lessons, he was going to learn to shoot. After making all these calls Darryl was pumped, he dropped and gave himself twenty out of pure adrenaline. The gym had advised him he could start that evening so without hesitation he organised some gym clothes and headed off.
Darryl's new routine had him extremely busy, he was up very early and in bed very late and his days were filled with his new self improvement schedule. After about a month Darryl noticed he felt stronger and he was looking better than ever before, 'it's going to work' he thought.
After two whole months of his strenuous work out Darryl was ready, buff and trained to kill. He knew it was time. Darryl waited until the weekend and then bought himself a ticket to the circus that night, he figured there would be more of a crowd than weekdays. When he arrived everything was much the same as last time. Family members everywhere trying to keep track of each other and as many freaks as could be seen in one spot. Darryl was not impressed, he was determined to stay focused. He headed straight for the big top. Ignoring the number on his ticket Darryl walked straight up to seat number 156. There was an elderly man sitting by himself. Darryl asked if he could swap seats with the gentleman, Darryl had luckily gotten a seat number a few rows closer to the action and so it was not difficult to convince the man of a trade. Darryl took his seat.
The show started much the same as last time, though for Darryl none of it was impressing or amusing, he was on a mission and would not be swayed. Then, just as before, all the lights in the tent went out, except for a solitary spotlight that began to circle the room. It passed over almost everyone in the tent, Darryl sat patiently. After a few rotations the beam of light came to a stop, and just as last time, it was square in the face of Darryl, though this time he did not even flinch. A second spotlight then came on and highlighted a solitary clown standing in the center of the ring. The clown spoke straight to Darryl.
''Excuse me Sir, But are you the horse's eyes''? said the clown
''No'' said Darryl in his most stern and confident tone
''Well then excuse me sir, but are you the horse's nose''? asked the clown
''No. No I am not'' replied Darryl
''Well then excuse me sir, but are you the horse's mouth''? continued the clown
''No'' replied Darryl very aware of what was to come next
''Well then sir, you must be the horse's arse''
With that the audience erupted with laughter, lights flashed back on, the clown did a few twirls, and the place became ecstatic. Darryl knew this was his moment. He stood up as straight and tall as he possibly could extended one arm and pointed directly at his nemesis.
''Yeah'' said Darryl. ''Well FUCK YOU Clown''.
The end.
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar.
It was tense.
What's the difference between a joke and two dicks?
You can't take a joke.
love it ghoti
Two dicks?
What do Jesus and keys have in common?
They both get hung on nails.
What's green and always has his facts straight?
The Credible Hulk.
Thank you, I'm here all night.