n elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leant against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.......................
"F#*# off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
<thumbs up>
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Mick Malthouse - Collingwood.
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies.
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." Barry Hall Sydney Captain at training.
Brock Maclean (Melbourne) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." Kevin Sheedy on James Hird
Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals vs Day Games "It's basically the same, just darker."
Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, Barass, I don't know and I don't care.'
Barry Hall (Sydney) when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first."
"Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago"(Dermott Brereton)
"Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." (Mark Williams)
"He scored that goal after only 22 seconds - totally against the run of play." (Dermott Brereton)
"We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored." (Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Luke Darcy)
"That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it, which was identical." (Dermott Brereton)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Shane Wakelin)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them serious." (Adrian Anderson)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."(Andrew Demetriou)
"I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but there are none better." (Dermott Brereton)
"I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat." (Terry Wallace)
Garry Lyon: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?" David Swartz: "On what?"
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."(Dermott Brereton)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."(Dermott Brereton)
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water and in the water floated, of all things a condom! When she returned with tea and scones they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. And do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
shane wakelin...what a tool.
Hey scuz,
I got the same email about a month ago but all of the above quotes were attributed to NZ rugby players and coaches.
Hmmmmm.
That footy thing is fantastic.
Thank God I got out of it when I still had some brain cells left.
It isn't real.
Yeah, I got the same one attributed to Rugby Players too, though it fits equally well for both sports, theyre not exactly rocket scientists...
> Yeah, I got the same one attributed to Rugby Players too, though it fits equally well for both sports, theyre not exactly rocket scientists...
Not so sure about that. Rugby League? Sure...as thick as too short planks.
But if I look down the playing roster of the mighty Brumbies, there's barely one of them without a phd!
oops....I stand corrected! Spending too much time purving at their bottoms and not enough time on the stats..
Yeah too good/bad to be true but this one is my favourite:
Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, Barass, I don't know and I don't care.'
I've put it up as my motto at work. Yes - I'm a sad case.
A bloke sees an old school friend after some time and the most obvious change to the bloke is that he now has a big round orange head.
So he asks, "Buddy, what's the deal? Why have you got a big round orange head?" and the bloke says "Well, i found an old lamp and a cleaned it up to sell it and genie popped out and offerted me three wishes.
"The first thing I wished for was a billion dollars -that's why I've got a nice house and car. The next thing I wished for was a beautiful wife, there she is in that shop. Isn't she gorgeous? The third thing I wished for -and this is where I think I went horribly, horribly wrong- was a big round orange head."
Atrocious but oh well .....
Stuttering Problem
Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering."
"Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo?"
The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.
Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches.
The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says: "I dddoonnnbt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble!"
A man goes into a supermarket and buys a six-pack, a bag of potato chips, and a frozen pizza. The girl at the register smiles at him and says, "Single, huh?"
Sarcastically the guy says, "Yeah. How'd you guess, genius?"
Without missing a beat she says, "Because you're fucking ugly."
Make me stop. I'll laugh at anything today.
A guy went to the zoo. The only animal there was one dog. It was a Shitzu.
A strikingly handsome young man walked into the office of a Hollywood agent with his resume and portfolio in hand. The agent reviewed the young man's slim resume and small portfolio with the care that was deserving of his fine young specimen.
"You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanor of an actor. Tell me, have you had any roles that I might be aware of."
"Other than the requisite high school and college plays, no sir," said the handsome young man.
"I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like yours," said the agent.
"Sir?"
"Your name. Penis Van Lesbian. That's not a name that will go far in Hollywood. I'd love to represent you, but you'll have to change your name."
"Sir," the handsome young man protested, "the Van Lesbian name was my father's, my grandfather's and his father's name. We have carried this name for generations and I will not change it for Hollywood or any other reason."
"If you won't change your name, I cannot represent you young man."
"Then I bid you farewell -- my name will not change." With that, Penis Van Lesbian left the agents office never to return.
Five Years Later
The Hollywood agent returned to his office after lunch with some producers and shuffled through his mail. Mostly junk mail, trade journals and the like. There was one letter. He opened the envelope and removed the letter. As he unfolded the fine linen paper, a check dropped from the folds and onto his desk. He looked at the check. It was for 50,000 dollars! He read the letter:
Dear Sir
Several years ago, I entered your office determined to become an actor. You refused to represent me unless I changed my name. I objected, saying the Penis Van Lesbian name had been carried for generations and left your office. However, upon leaving, I chanced to reconsider my hastiness and after considerable reflection, I decided to heed your advice and endeavored to change my name. Now I am a famous actor with many roles and known to millions worldwide.
Having achieved this fame and fortune, it is often that I think back to my meeting with you and your insistence that I change my name. I owe you a debt of gratitude, so please accept this check with my humble thanks, for it was your idea which has brought me to such wealth and fame.
Very Sincerely Yours,
Dick Van Dyke
q. What do you call a black pilot?
a. A pilot, you racist.
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.
The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest finally said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed.
After another 5 years went by, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here!"
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was 4. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
A door-to-door salesman knocks on a door. Its answered by an 8 year old boy dressed in fishnet stockings, a bathrobe and 6-inch stilettoes. He's holding a glass of scotch in one hand, and a massive spliff in the other.
Salesman says - ...Ermm, hiya sonny. Is your mother home?
Kid says - Does it fucking look like it??
Gold.
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q:what do you call an arab bluesman???
a:habibi king
q:what do you call an arab country singer?
a: salim dusty
q:what do you call an arab pilot??
a: a pilot you fkn racist
A man owned a farm in the south west of Queensland.
The Department of Industrial Relations heard that he was not paying proper wages to his employees and sent an agent across to interview him.
''I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,'' demanded the agent.
''Well,'' replied the farmer, ''there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $400 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $450 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.''
''That's the guy I want to talk to - the half-wit,'' says the agent.
''That would be me,'' replied the farmer.
What d you call a lollipop with principals?
A sucker.
a kid loses his mum at the supermarket. a supervisor approaches the clearly distressed child and asks, ''What's she like?''
the kid says, ''Big dicks and vodka.''
Whats a Hin-Du?
Lay eggs bro
What's the capital of Iceland?
About $20.
Whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Cadillac?
i don't have a Cadillac in my Garage.
if the answer is ''Cock Robin'', what is the Question?
Suck my what, Batman?
What is the best thing about having sex with twenty one year olds?
There are twenty of them.
Max and Paddy -
''I was invited to a dinner for the premature ejaculation society the other night, i said 'what's the dress code?' he said 'just come in yer pants''
i lol'd
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says ''We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'' So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.
The old monk sobs, ''The word is celebrate.''
Upon hearing that her grandfather had suddenly died, a woman went over to see her 95 year old grandmother to console her.
'How did he die?' asked the woman. The grandmother responded, 'He had a massive heart attack while we were having sex early on Sunday morning'. The woman was shocked. 'Surely at your age having sex is asking for trouble!'.
'Not at all' said the grandmother. 'We discovered years ago that the church bells on a Sunday morning provided the perfect rhythm for love making, not to strenuous, in on the ding, out on the dong'...
She paused to wipe a tear from her eye. 'He would still be alive if that ice cream van hadn't turned up'.
A dwarf walks into a pharmacist and asks if he can buy the huge durex condom on display. 'No, I'm afraid not sir, it is for promotional purposes only', the chemist replied. The dwarf offers him $100 so the chemist gives in and brings him the condom from the shop window.
The dwarf proceeds to pull the condom over his head and straight down over his body. 'What do I look like?' asked the dwarf of the chemist. 'You look like a big prick!' he replied.
The dwarf breathed a sigh of relief. 'Thank god for that' he said. 'I'm sick to death of being called a little cunt!'.
Jim and Jerry are siamese twins joined at the hip. They walk into a bar in New York and get talking to the bar tender.
'So what have you two got planned over the holidays?', the barman asks, passing them each a beer. 'We're off to England for a few weeks' Jim says. ' It's great, we go every year' adds Jerry.
'Wow, that sounds like fun' says the barman. 'All that history, culture and sightseeing!'
'Nah, we don't give a fuck about any of that' says Jim. 'It's the only time Jerry ever gets to drive'.
why don't abo's get aids?
coz they're too lazy to get off their arse
(blame rolph harris)
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, '' You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.
Paddy replies, ''OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.''
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
''Shoite'' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,
''Shoite, Shoite!''
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
''Bi Jaysus... I'm fockin' focked,'' he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says ''No fockin' way''.
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ''I can make it to the bed.''
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says ''Fock it'' and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ''Get up Paddy. Did ye have a bit to drink last night?''.
Paddy says, ''I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?''
''Mick phoned... you left your wheelchair at the pub!''
Was essen Deutsche air force offiziere zum breakfast?
Luftwaffles!
Fascisthayley ist lustig!
Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer?
Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
A couple are celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary with some friends in a restaurant. The man, however, looks somewhat unhappy. One of his friends, a solicitor, goes up to him and asks him what's troubling him.
''Well, Jim, remember when we had our fifth anniversary, and I asked you what would happen if I murdered my wife?''
''Ah yes.. I said you'd have gotten 20 years.''
''Well, '' the man said morosely, ''tonight, I'd have been a free man.''