shitting-near-people-a-phobia

Its an aweful experiance.

See, I thought for a second you'd meant to type ''awesome''. Then I kept reading.

do you ever shit while your partner / wife is in the bathroom? is that out of bounds?

completely off limits. not in a milloin years would i let my girlfriend in whilst shitting. its completely sacred.

but what if you are in the middle of a great conversation about The Wire and you want to finish telling her about one particularly great episode while you lay some cable?

Im talking about waking up at a friends place after a big night, needing to shit like an elephant while someone is sweeping the floor right outside the door.

you need one of those japanese toilets with the Rudeness Noise button to mask the plop plop squirt squirt spraaaaaayyy

is 'sweeping the floor' a euphemism for something like 'lay some cable'?

PROBLEM SOLVED

is 'sweeping the floor' a euphemism for something like 'lay some cable'?

no.

what about when you're in the left cubicle of a three-cubicle block, and you're the only one in the room. Then you hear the door open, and the person walks in and sits in the middle cubicle, rather than the right one. WHY DON'T YOU JUST SIT IN MY FUCKING LAP???

Im talking about waking up at a friends place after a big night, needing to shit like an elephant while someone is sweeping the floor right outside the door.

i hear you on this. one night i ate half a bottle of spicy habenero chilli paste and the next day i was shitting like there was no tomorrow. but i stayed at my gf's place and her fairly good looking female flattie was chilling in the lounge and i had to get up for a liquid poo every few minutes. the bathroom and lounge are in close proximity too.

bad shit, literally.

PROBLEM SOLVED

ill install one before my next audible bowel movement.

Do they have to make public and office toilet blocks with pitch perfect audio clarity? I mean you can hear every squeeze, every expression. It's disgusting.

I wish they'd have floor to ceiling enclosures. I don't know why we have to see each other's feet.

You wouldn't, because you're a lady, but in man world it means you get to figure out what kind of work the guy is doing in there.

after a big night, needing to shit like an elephant while someone is sweeping the floor right outside the door.

Elephants just go where ever. They wouldn't use the loo. Plus they don't usually wear pants.

what if someone dies in there?!

You need an iPhone with Doodle Jump installed and you'll be taking any opportunity to drop the kids off at the pool, just so you can play.

plop

I'm rather envious of proud shitters.

EXECUTIVE SHITHOLE!

I've been back in the corporate environment of poop for the last three months and it is ONLY the business dudes who shit at work. I ONLY see shiny black shoes under the cubicle door, and everyone on my side of the floor wears sneakers or thongs.

Why do businessmen love to crap so much?

garbage in, garbage out?

matches the verbal shit they spout at the other end?

Why do businessmen love to crap so much?

Doing lines of coke maybe?

Sorry, anon, I should've saved everyone the trouble and made the ''because they're so full of shit'' joke myself.

And no. Unless they're shitting voluminously (in both decibels and amount) while they're doing lines.

pooing at work make sense, it saves money. THAT'S why they're businessmen earning the big bucks with expense accounts and you're a dude in thongs.

The best way to avoid shame in the situation of people being nearby whilst your shitting is to let out an almighty ''ooohhhhh yeaaaahhhhh'' to mask the sound and make it more enjoyable to yourself and those nearby. In those odd times when silence is required i find folding toilet paper and laying it over the water helps to stop splashing noises, also placing a towl over the hole in front of your groin acts as a good sound numbing apparatus. Also try sitting down and just as your about to release the shit reach around and flush (good to mask explosive dihorreah sounds).

wish they'd have floor to ceiling enclosures. I don't know why we have to see each other's feet.

they are probably shifting paradigms while wrestling with the sloppy brown trout.

multitasking!

this one time I stayed at a caravan park with my (now ex) girlfriend and her family. Her dad was getting old and was a bit over the hill at this stage.
I went into the toilet block and heard ''eererrrrrrr mmmmmmmmffffffff aaaaahhhhh'' ''eeeeeeehhhhh'' followed by an immediate pffffffffffff.....plop and a sigh of releif. Seriously it sounded like the scene in ace ventura when Jim Carey comes out of the rhinos ass. It didnt help being in a tiled bathroom area that reflects all the sound.
So as I was walking out this girls dad pops out of that cubicle with a smile on his face and says something like ''that was a job well done''

I couldnt bare the sight of this guy any longer and broke up with his daughter not long after.

geez yoghurt, we all have a visit from Mr. Shittz McCrappen every now and then. you should have high-fived him.

I've come to conclude that it's an alpha-male thing. ''I'm so shameless, I am going to empty my bowels in front of others. Just try and stop me!''

Im all for doing whats natural. But the sounds this guy made where totally unnatural. The odd fart in a public toilet is nothing to be embarressed about but this took shame to a whole new depth.

This reminds me of the time I accidently farted in a guys face at the empress. Funny for me, not so much for him.

what about when you're in the left cubicle of a three-cubicle block, and you're the only one in the room. Then you hear the door open, and the person walks in and sits in the middle cubicle, rather than the right one. WHY DON'T YOU JUST SIT IN MY FUCKING LAP???

Ahahahaha.

Also: too true.

I like poo

Lord Fiendish Nude Toilet Cleaning Service

hmmm...worst experience I ever had was in a public 2 staller. The guy from the indian restaurant where I had purchased my lunch entered the same time as me. I had a VERY bad stomach, not at all helped by his vindaloo, and proceeded to spray liquid hate all around the house of Royal Doulton with an alarming force.

After the initial shock and awe campaign made by my arse, the Indian guy scrambled for his trousers and wiped/exited the stall post haste. As he was washing his hands like a madman he shouted with a very comical Peter Sellers in The Party type manner...(wait for it)...''Flush it! Why don't you flush it???!''

Is someone gonna link 2 gils 1 cup?

''Flush it! Why don't you flush it???!''

classic!

There was a dude once sitting right next to me shitting happily. He thought it was okay to take a phone call mid-shit. What's the rules with phone piss-shitting?

Thread of the year.

Pissing = OK. Shitting = way outta line. Unless its your mum. Gotta answer if its mum.

li tian jiao better known as vivi was simply put the most beautiful thing i had even seen. i first saw her coming down the broadway shopping centre's escalators and had thought just that, commiserating myself at the same time that never in my wildest dreams would i ever meet anyone like this.

luck befell me days later when she innocently took a seat besides me in an internet café. my heart raced as silently side by side we checked our e-mails. after the incident at the escalator i had cursed myself about my inability to introduce myself so i decided to do something i never had the gumption to do before. still too coy to simply say hello, i took this rare opportunity to introduce myself anomalously. after spying her e-mail address over her shoulder i quickly proposed a date, then left fearing the worst.

the next day to my surprise she had remembered me and was willing to meet. we went out, enjoyed each others company etc and i was on top of the world. unfortunately i found out our days together would be short; she had to return to beijing, china in a matter of days. by the time she left we were truly in love, at the airport i made a declaration i would follow her to china as soon as i could muster the fare and two months later i took flight to the middle kingdom to secure her heart.

i spent my first evening in china resting at a hotel, vivi met me at the airport and took me there to rest, i was to meet the family in the morning. excited i was up early the next morning and headed out to meet the potential in-laws. just outside the hotel a toothless couple where serving what i was later to learn was jianbing a rolled up pancake style street food filled with egg, some shallots, criskett bread and some multi coloured spreads that i’m yet to identify. anyway it looked tasty and cost barely 10c so i got myself one and continued onward to vivi’s place.

the effects of the jianbing where almost instantaneous, you could probably still see the vendors cart behind me when the unmistakable feeling of sudden toilet need came on. i started to peel my eyes for a public restroom unacquainted i was then with the local’s habits of befouling between parked cars. this was a nation where the local outfit for toddlers had no arse even in winter, so they could take a dump whenever and wherever they liked! once i was especially alarmed when a 3 or so year old took a dump in the middle of the markets while still holding her mothers hand firmly. but presently i didn’t realise i could ease my suffering so casually and wanted to do the right thing. in the distance i finally spotted the international symbol for shithouse - the standing man and marched quickly for the door.

unfortunately for me this public restroom was in actuality a squat, not of your anarchist variety, the inhabitants of this fully furnished bathroom facility was what seamed to be a large extended family group, men woman and children sitting around waiting while breakfast was prepared in the corner. feeling uneasy about crapping in what was probably a closet i decided to try my luck and hold off until i reached vivi’s grandparents place that under normal circumstances wasn’t too far off.

the steps that ensued told me this wasn’t to be no ordinary passing, my sphincter was acting like a pressure cooker, mysterious gasses leaked to relieve the force of the upcoming onslaught of poo. i made the final distance with my butt checks clenched so tightly i walked like a penguin all the way to the communist block tower vivi called home.

when i finally made it to the door my knocking was so panicked that when she and her grandparents opened the door i spared them the pleasantries of meeting and greeting and made my way instinctively and unannounced to the bathroom where i came across a traditional chinese squat toilet. in a single motion, pants came down, knees bent and diarrhea shot out from my anus at a tremendous speed hitting the back wall, floor and everything but the hole in the ground specifically built to house it.

for what was conceivably my quickest bowel movement ever i was in that bathroom a long time before i reappeared to finally meet the family. my best estimate would have me in there for at least half a hour soaking up the gooey remnants of my jianbing with scrunched up balls of toilet paper. how many times did they hear the toilet flush thinking i would be out to meet them soon only to hear it flush again? what passed through their minds as this stranger from across the seas used up a years supply of dunny roll on a single movement.

god only knows what they where thinking or saying to each other in mandarin but the sweat beads on my forehead in the dead of winter must have alluded something to them, but they where kind enough to never mention it and began serving the most chicken like tofu i’ve even tasted.

years later i couraged up enough to ask vivi whether or not her grandparents knew what had happened in their bathroom that day ‘off coarse you idiot you think my family is stupid’ was her firm reply.

originally printed in 'funny shit' zine. in lucas' own words

After the initial shock and awe campaign made by my arse, the Indian guy scrambled for his trousers and wiped/exited the stall post haste. As he was washing his hands like a madman he shouted with a very comical Peter Sellers in The Party type manner...(wait for it)...''Flush it! Why don't you flush it???!''

actually laughing my arse off at my desk!

i think the key issue is if you have 'Home Field Advantage' or not.

i work with someone that pretty much only 'plays away'.
i know some people that will come home from being out, just to release at 'home base'.

another lucas story

a long day in a sleeveless safari suit.

i am only relaying this story the original culprit (we shall call him 'a' for reasons of anonyminity) denies remembering/doing it at all. although i remember falling over laughing when i heard it.

i was living with 'a' at the time , and i used to go to work early as did most of the household. 'a' used to get up late and then proceed headlong into the day. but this day was different.

we used to have a shower and toilet that was outside the main house , the door between the 2 was deadlocked and the windows into the house were all barred. so it was a pretty hard place to break into.
anyway 'a' gets up and as was his routine he went out to take a shower/shit dressed only in a towel. after performing his morning rituals he left the bathroom only to discover the deadlock had tripped and he was locked out of the house. after trying unsuccessfully to break into the house he walked up to the main shopping street.
with only a towel to protect his modesty , he did manage to get someone to take pity on him and give him 40c to make a phone call. so he called a friend who was at home and she offered to come and pick him up with some clothes from her father's wardrobe.
b eing a little on the stocky side said friend decided the only thing that would fit 'a' was a lime green polyester safari suit with no sleeves.

so after changing into the suit , 'a' decided to go and visit people until we got home.

first port of call was in woolloomolloo to a fellow musicians house. after sitting around for a while they decided to go up to kings cross as the musician had some effects pedals she wished to pawn. while in the shop 'a'’s gut started contracting and he felt a massive gastric convulsion , which ended up spraying all the way down the back of his legs (he was not wearing underwear).
t he musician was still haggling over the price and so didn’t notice 'a' had discreetly taken the jacket off and tied it around his waist.
but when they left it became all too obvious what had happened.

so they headed back to the musicians house for another pair of pants.
a nd the rumour is 'a' lost it on the way home again and shat the second pair.
2 pairs of pants that he didn’t even own is pretty good going I reckon.

swerve. dualplover

anyone else cover their head with their t-shirt while saying goodbye to the Huxtables?

POO DENIAL

wow. what a story tenzenmen.

i know some people that will come home from being out, just to release at 'home base'.

taking a homie > matie > workie > pubbie

k2 said 1 day ago:
do you ever shit while your partner / wife is in the bathroom? is that out of bounds?

texting is acceptable in my books but phone calls is a no no.

Hey Hattsy! you have already been here!

I have low level retrograde amnesia.

But at least I don't have diarrhoea.

I just had an exceloo door open on me without warning. I am considering sueing for emotional damages.

I just had an exceloo door open on me without warning. I am considering sueing for emotional damages.

UGH! I hate those things. I will do anything I can to avoid an exceloo - even those dodgy green things that look like they were installed 60 years ago are better.

My worst fear is to have the exceloo's automatic cleaning process start when I'm trying to go wee.

15 Smelliest Shits on Earth

I normally prefer the exceloos for the cleanliness but still never quite trusted them. I just about smashed the door close button off the wall once it started to open. Lucky there was no kids in that playground!
Computers and toilets don't mix. Though I left it with a surprise that the self cleaning function is going to have real trouble with. Hehe eat those poos exceloo!!

I just had an exceloo door open on me without warning. I am considering sueing for emotional damages.

Oh dear god, I would traumatised for days. Possibly weeks or months. Sue, I say.

I accidentally a word. There should be a ''be'' in there. You know where.