Man in Suit: Sits.

This reminds me of a Family Guy episode.

"This is an even worse idea than that time you decided to narrate your own life."

IDIOT LOGS ONTO WEBSITE

local idiot logs onto website and shares dickhead opinions with other idiots

BRISBANE MAN CALLS IN SICK TO WORK
"It would have been a fucking nightmare", he says"

Brisbane M+N'er worksafehiponion has called in sick to work 'because there is seven new staff starting, and they are going to Dreamworld, and it's going to be a shitfight', he said today. Instead, said worksafe, he went and got Recognition of Prior Learning for his skills and took another step towards getting his Cert III in disability both for free and without doing any actual work. 'Later on I'm going to get ridiculously drunk and watch Australia-Italy', he added.

SANDWICH TOASTED, EATEN

Area man etc...

MAN/CHILD DOES UNI ENROLMENT, REALISES HIS STUDY HAS NO DIRECTION

The world of hope is in mourning today after yet another undergraduate Arts student spent over two hours looking through his options for the next couple of years and realised that his university studies lacked any real purpose. "I was intent on becoming an Arts wanker", said the depressed student, identified only as Mr. X, "and now that i have achieved a sufficiently high standard after only a year of studies i have no other aims in my life. I don't know what to do!" It seems, however, that tehre is some light at the end of the tunnel for this confused young man, as his brother is in the process of completing an enginerring degree that may well fund Mr. X's post graduate life long university studies for the rest of his life.

MELBOURNE MAN TRIES TO WRITE HEADLINE : LOST FOR WORDS.

um....

Office worker gets early mark for chronic neck condition.

Office worker freaksandgeeks today leaves work early at 4.30pm to go and face the wrath that is the chiropractor. As well paying for the pleasure, freaks faces the prospect of screaming pain and another run of prescription pain killers. "Those mersyndol forte are far superior to panadeine forte" she states. Will she ever get relief? Or will an addiction to sleeping pills and chocolate sea shells become the break through? Stay tuned...

FUCKWIT SAYS NO AND THEN YES

CANBERRA MAN SENDS BEST WISHES TO MELBOURNE WORKER

A Canberra man known only as "Tripto" sent his best wishes to a Melbourne friend suffering chronic neck pain today. A concerned Tripto was quoted as saying "Good luck freaks, hope the chiro sorts it all out".

VIDEO EDITOR DIES OF BOREDOM

Boss says "I didn't even realise she was here".

aawwww thanks (())

BOSS INTERSTATE - Scrappy Arts Bureaucrat Takes It Easy

DEATH OF A NATION The title of punk band Anti-Flag's DVD release caught the eye of one unidentified male record shop browser earlier today in the Melbourne inner city suburb of Richmond, resulting in a sale. Witnesses report the man didn't smell, was polite as he engaged in light conversation, and paid in cash. Recent surveys conducted found that this particular music lover is in the minority of stereotypical male customers frequenting record shops as there has been an alarming rate of financially challenged, clinically filthy men with appalling social skills roaming inner city music retail outlets this year. Shop owners report their air freshener spray costs have doubled past financial year. Relief is not expected anytime soon, with fears that by summer the situation will hit crisis point.

text to bold NEWSPAPER RUNS OUT OF INK
Printed in grey shade.

NEWSPAPER RUNS OUT OF INK
Printed in grey shade

MAN ALONE KILLS THREAD

LOL!

late breaking news

melbourne man doesnt go to work, 'the last thing i feel capable of doing is running a holiday program this afternoon, anyway, i'd probably get one of the kids sick' he said before having a hot bath and getting back into bed.

hang on hugh you run a program for kids in the holidays? we have SO MUCH in common!

Melbourne Man Claims His Childhood Obsessions Were Shown On 'Desperate Housewives'

After a rather uneventful start to the week Melbourne resident Goodbye_beret! was shaken after seeing all his childhood obsessions on an episode of 'Desperate Housewives' shown on channel 7.

‘The character’s obsessions were dinosaurs, trains, baseball and dogs – they were mine! It was rather strange seeing them on there.’ said the 23 full-time year old philosophy student, part-time music critic.

‘My obsessions were dinosaurs, dogs, baseball and Thomas the Tank Engine. I was, and still am, the sort of person that simply just had to know everything about his interests. It is scary to think that they were so clichéd that they could just appear on the show, but that is the only explanation I can come up with.’

In the popular soap ‘Desperate Housewives’ one of the housewives gave a dog to a curious child to stem his interest in sex, and Mr _beret! would not comment as to whether this detail paralleled his own experience. -Reuters

Employee finds out about holiday, does jig.

"All-expenses paid adventure to island, bring it on!", he is report to have said to all who would listen. Though this news was tempered with the fact that he is to lose his recently gained office with view, to the more open planned setting on the floor below.

INDIE SCENESTER TAKES SWIPE AT SHY GIRL ON THE INTERNET

High ranking chat Modified-Indian lost his temper 31 minutes ago after failing to engage a group of largely anonymous posters on a music website.

The incident occured in the "It's Me Or The Dog" thread. A topic started by Modified-Indian about a television show nobody had heard about. As the topic veered increasingly off-topic, Modified-Indian snapped and said, "It's a TV show, you dumb shit."

He will probably not be banned by the website board's administrators.

hahahaha. I can't stop laughing at that!

AREA HIPSTER SLEEPS LATE, SCRATCHES BALLS

uhh.... what is (()) ?
looks like a wide-on to me

INDIE SCENESTER STATES THE OBVIOUS ON INTERNET DISCUSSION BOARD

High ranking chat Modified Indie-an underestimated the intelligence of a largely anonymous group of posters on the mess and noise website 51 minutes ago in the "We got a NEW DOG!!!!" thread.

Don't be ridiculous," he was heard to say, "dogs can't answer the phone."

We got a NEW DOG!!!!

I hope the subs catch that mischievous last sentence. It's not supposed to be there.

i think the last sentence makes that post

LOCAL BOGAN CHALLENGES REALITY

Man beats girlfriend with Tennis Racquet

A young Warrandyte man was spotted giving his girlfriend the beating of her life at the Eltham Tennis Club. A man on holiday from Yugoslavia, who wishes to remain nameless, said "he serve her hard and fast with his balls". He then went on to say that "he was hit her with back of hand and slice her with his hitting". Local police are on the scene gathering evidence. The man has not been seen since 5:10pm. Police say the beating last around 90 minutes and the girl is handling it well considering the circumstances.

Jon Benet Ramsey's True Killers' Confession

man works on car all day

now complains of back pain:(

LOCAL SCENESTER LOOKS LIKELY TO SCORE HAT TRICK

Making one statement of the blindingly obvious per day is tough enough for most people, but for one local scenester, it's a typical day in front of the computer.

ModifiedIndie-an has perfected the art of presenting every day known facts as if he was some kind of authority on them. Shortly after his "Don't be ridiculous,dogs can't answer the phone" comment, Modiefied Indie-an stayed true to form with his expert comments on the national road toll to a largely disinterested group of anonymous posters on the mess and noise music discussion website.

"In all reality, I think the risk of being killed by terrorists is lower than the risk of being killed in a car accident," he said in the "have the terrorists won?" thread.

He also told Hughsie, "Don't talk shit hughsie."

hahahahahaha oh i can't breathe now

haha

MORON PONDERS SPENDING SIXTH NIGHT OF THE WEEK AT HOME

Saturday night has long been known as 'Dickhead Night' in the Sydney suburb of Newtown. The expression was coined after local resident, Badalex, drunk himself into a stupour on light beers each Saturday evening and annoyed a lot of people who were just trying to have fun. The weekly practise has proved costly for Badalex, resulting in a series of evictions from public houses and a frantic scrounge through his pockets for a bus fare after finding himself playing air sitar at Bronte Beach in the early hours of the morning.

There is a real chance that this weekend, BADALEX the popular and fluffy camel, will plan on spending Saturday evening at home. But first he must ask a largely disinterested group of anonymous posters on the Mess and Noise music discussion web site.

storeinacoolplace. you are very good at this.

Man regrets not planning day

a local man is currently in a state after it had been revealed to him that he had gone all the way down to lygon st to have coffee, only to realise that he'd forgot his bank card and was thus unable to do the shopping at Lygon Court Safeway on his way home, resulting in a second trip down and wasting valuable sitting around time.

"I just feel like a tool" said the man, 22 of North Carlton "I'm usually pretty well planned when it comes to combining mulitiple jobs in one trip, but I forgot to have a coffee this morning and when i got inivted out at 11am for brunch i wasnt quite on the pace of the day yet. I guess i'll just have to go later this afternoon"

WHAT GOES UP MUST COME DOWN

a young woman starts to feel the repercussions of that final bikkie from the night before.
said the young woman of last night's shenanigans, "i did promise myself last week i wouldn't touch them again, but they were freebies, goddamnit. who could say no to free drugs?"
sadly, there have been reports from the woman's colleagues, with mention that the young woman in question is not performing her job so well today.