I come across godawful album reviews on a daily basis (sometimes they're mine [hey muscles!]). Everytime I find a particularly shit one, I'm posting it here.
You can too.
Crime: While this idiot uses all the right words, this review makes no fucking sense whatsoever.
AFI - The Art Of Drowning (from All Music Guide)
Punk rawkers AFI exude another powerful disposition on their fifth album, The Art of Drowning. Issued on Dexter Holland's Nitro Records, AFI's quick and haughty, spiraling guitar riffs and crashing percussion make for another mishmash for single-fisted anthems for punk revivalists and enigmatic pop kids raging against the machine. Nothing short of Pennywise, D Generation, and Powerman 5000, AFI is rowdy with their old-school-inspired rants like "Ever and a Day" and "Of Greetings and Goodbyes." Frontman Davey Havok casts a rough demeanor, but certainly not anything intimidating because punk rock became friendly after the war of early-'90s grunge. The snarl and sweat are not as fashionable as it once was, but the attitude remains the same.
"rawkers"?
Trying to sound "tuff".
Crikey, that makes no sense whatsoever.
i don't even think they know what they're trying to say.
Whatsoever! Post some, Butler.
Wow, it took a whole paragraph to say absolutelt nothing.
Excellent work.
war of early-'90s grunge
The horror...
who wrote it? out this jerk!
"make for another mishmash for single-fisted anthems for punk revivalists"
for for for
Whatsoever! Post some, Butler.
Some of my own?
Thank God I don't review anymore.
Mackenzie Wilson on All Music Guide. Obviously hired him/her because he/her has a cool name.
Some you've found!
INNER CIRCLE!
You know someone struggles when they write really long descriptive sentences
Okey dokey. Here's a clueless review of NWA's Straight Outta Compton:
"It's not about a salary/It's all about reality" they chant as they talk shit about how bad they are. Right, it's not about salary--it's about royalties, about brandishing scarewords like "street" and "crazy" and "fuck" and "reality" until suckers black and white cough up the cash. "Fuck tha Police" is a fantasy, "Fuck with me I'll put my foot in your ass" an exaggeration, "Life ain't nothin' but bitches and money" a home truth, and I bet Ice Cube gets more pussy now than when he copped the line. Somehow DJs Dr. Dre and Yella, who's also got the brainiest rap on the Charles Wright rip that busts out of their ghetto, drive the three M.C.'s past their own lies half the time. It would be poetic justice if both of them departed for greener pastures. B
Who woke up on the wrong side of the ghetto that morning?
my head hurts
Did Inactivist review muscles?
FARK!!!!
No wonder I don't read reviews, seriously.
Who woke up on the wrong side of the ghetto that morning?
Robert Christgau.
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Steady on Andrew, you don't post your own work to this thread, even for the purposes of comparison. That's like daring the gods of criticism to befoul your copy.
Ryan's edited out all his old reviews from Pitchfork now, I think - shame, they were all entertaining.
But this one lives on.... www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvogqD8NIS8
And here it is in text form. The video is so much better though.
John Coltrane: Live at the Village Vanguard
Review by Ryan Schreiber
The Village Vanguard. New York City. 1961.
We was sittin’ there watchin’ the stage. Waitin’ for the man they called Coltrane to come out and do his thing. It was me and my four droogs. Them bein’ Peter, Georgio and Dim; Dim being really Dim.
‘Round an hour’d passed and the place was packed straight through to the back. I’d just dropped some dollars for ‘Trane’s Giant Steps six months back. Now was the time, this was the place. The Village Vanguard. New York City. 1961.
I was only there for the first night, see, but them cats at Impulse! just made my life complete. They put out four CDs of all that sound ‘Trane put out those nights. But you know my type, man. Can’t afford to eat, let alone spend some heavy cash on music. So I only got the essential. Live at the Village Vanguard: The Master Takes is one disc, makin’ it one-fourth the cost of the box set. And you only get the best stuff.
Man, the opening beauty of “Spiritual…” It’s like a dream I had: I floated on the River Nile, smokin’ some fresh weed, relaxin’. But I ain’t ever gonna see the Nile anyhow. This track’s as close as I come, and it’s close enough. Best of the best, though, has gotta be “India.” It’s only when you listen to a perfect old jazz tune like this that you realize how much drum-n-bass is derived from this music. ‘Trane takes it to heaven and back with some style, man. Some richness, daddy. It’s a sad thing his life was cut short by them jaws o’ death.
Shit, cat. It don’t make a difference. The man produced enough good music to last me a lifetime. This Village Vanguard thing’s just another example of the genius of Coltrane.
Here's the latest Ruth Bailey piece, this time reviewing Delphic at The Hi-Fi: http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/entertainment/your-brisbane/delphic-20100326-r1cl.html
'Proof that they're the new kids on the 'Manchestian' block and one Australia will grow to become completely enraptured by.'
It's 'Mancunian', you half-wit.
do those railey pieces actually make it into print or are they online only?
I love that that's what you pick out as the worst of that particularly mangled sentence.
v, please keep using Ruth Bailey's full name of Ruth Bailey so Ruth Bailey's first google search term is this thread.
Ruth Bailey.
Manchestian sounds like some sort of singlet
ruth bailey gets ripped
Poor Ruth Bailey.
At least they didn't mention ''The Monkeys''.
manchestian, mancunian...manchurian?
Manichean?
cough
reviewbots been fired up again at eleven.
josejones......=].. nice link!..... never heard a duet described like that!
this one's rolled gold.
Review: The John Butler Trio – April Uprising
Posted on 16 April 2010 by admin
The John Butler Trio
April Uprising
Jarrah Records
April Uprising is one of the most anticipated albums of 2010.
There is no doubt band front man, John Butler, is a man with a plan though it was still surprising a new trio was named just as a new album was scheduled.
John Butler Trio's April Uprising
It would be an understatement to say April Uprising is yet another masterpiece for Butler and his trio.
The album travels from track to track with ease as though tied together by an imaginary thread.
With an increase of pace and definitely more fun, April Uprising pushes past the band’s previous record, Grand National, offering an exciting boost as the band embraces a new chapter of sound.
I'm bummed at how many posts this thread has eaten. Nine months are gone.
New thread time?
sure, there's another 3 or 4 new eleven magazine ones to open with.
They went pretty hard in Brisbane on Saturday night. Small but dedicated crowd. (100? 150?) A girl fell down and hit her head on the concrete during last song ('Oppressors'). Ended the night on a bit of a downer. She was outside being attended to by paramedics, last I saw.
Um - wrong thread. I was talking about Die! Die! Die! Carry on.