Probably his mother.

boyfriend

Probably doesn't want to disturb you... ?

russian mafia connections. trust me ...

Ask him to speak up so you can hear him.

nah i've got music on. Plus he's speaking in indian.

well, that would make it either his mum. or Indian mafia connections ...

He's having peace talks with George W or he's starting up his own mini cab business on company time. Dob him in.

my workmate is always shouting in vietnamese. answers the phone normally, then starts shouting.

the woman i sit next to just mutters under her breath a lot. it's majorly irritating

he's great, but its really difficult as i cant understand what he says most of the time. I generally have to guess or repeat the words back and try and work it out. I dont know how he manages to do casework.

Ask him to speak in Australian so you can understand him.

lady in front of me is having an affair; makes for interesting listening in.

awww, no fair! all I get from my office-buddy is panicked phone calls to archive libraries and people from Bushells (don't ask. my coworker's nearing PhD completion)

the girl near me goes off on a regular basis, "but you said you were going to drive us to the club!" "I dont care if you hate me for sleeping with your boyfriend, you slept with my boyfriend first!" "fat people are soooo stupid" ect ect ect

she sounds lovely!

she'll pick up the phone, dial and then yell "your a fuckin whore" down the line and hang up.
she's actually really funny.

is your coworker almighty?

hmmm well you be sure to send her my best won't you.

possibly, im too scared to ask though!

Very true. Good work so far man. I gave 2 years to that pack of dogs. I learnt a lot though. I'll never have a problem coming up with a convincing lie about why a clients job is running 5 days late.
My favorite quote from Director A:
Me ''How can you expect the client to take them?! The RED is PINK!''
Dir A ''TELL THEM ITS WITHIN INDUSTRY STANDARD THEN MAKE SURE YOU ASK THEM WHEN THE NEXT JOB IS DUE TO ARRIVE!!...HOCK..HOCK..SPIT..SWALLOW...(MY PRECIOUS)''
Hahaha.

and yet somehow it would have wound up being your fault anyways...

and i just remembered/was reminded of these folks -

N) The Crazed Asian Fork Lift Driver – great guy who looked like a Triad hit man with his shaved head, crazy stare and tattoos. Always grinning like a demon and slyly taking the piss out of nearly everyone there. Particularly enjoyed smashing around at mach 10 on his forklift and smoking a few dozen ciggies a day.

O) Washed Up Relic Mark II – label manager of the in house label and basically killing time ‘til he decided to retire. Had some ok Jazz people on the label but clueless directors kiboshed him putting money into The Cat Empire, Megan Washington & The Bamboos, who had all worked with the label in their early days. Dude was wound back to a few days a week and eventually wandered off into the sunset. Washed Up Relic V1 could usually be found in his office where they’d be shooting the shit about the glory days and fanning out over old classical recordings. Used to bring in tasty treats and was well liked.

P) The Russian Tape Duplicator – sorta scary older Russian dude that had his own dark little cave where he dubbed cassettes for the airlines inflight entertainment systems. In true Russian fashion every question was met with a death stare prior to a one or 2 syllable answer. You’d also get the same gruff one or 2 syllable question if he was asking how you were doing or how your weekend was. That meant he was fond of you.

Q) The Printers - another odd couple. The shorter one was a total ruler. Sorta quiet, hated his job and hated the directors for making him work stupidly long shifts due to their bad management. Used to run an antique furniture store in Adelaide and had dreams of opening another in Melbourne. Joy Division fanatic, nuts for early 80s synth pop and always good for a chat. Used to get chewed out for playing suduko puzzles while jobs were printing but had a fair point that there was fuck all to do but stand there for hours when a big run was on. The other printer came across your typical footy lovin’, piss sinkin’ older bogan but when you got to talking to him you found out that he was an incredibly good keys/synth player who would happily bring in CDs of weird noodly shit he had recorded at home. Apparently had quite the collection of vintage analogue stuff too...

R) The Angry Fat Chick In The Office – worked as an account manager and was detested by most in the office. A really unfortunate combination of unpleasant to look at and even more unpleasant to deal with. Got pregnant and used to grunt when she walked due to “the baby pushing on her diaphragm”. Total lies, used to grunt up and down the stairs before that happened. After she quit to have the kid you’d be uncovering months and months of work that hadn’t been done and dozens of furious customers she’d fobbed off or ignored. Tried to come back, was denied and then tried to contact former clients to get them to complain about current staff so she could be the white knight who’d come in and fix it all. Except the clients hated her and worded up current staff what was happening. Fail.

S) The Ruthless Networker – was the assistant to the Washed Up Relic Mark II and was pretty much using the job to further her own singing career. Would chop and change friends/boyfriends on how they’d help her career and if they were music producers/musos who could back her or not. Most of the day was spent calling labels, stores, agents etc to introduce herself under the guise of “record promotion” for the label. She was doing some trip hop all girl style band that was pretty average and then vanished for a while. Reappeared after quitting the job as the support act for a massive US pop star and hyped signing to a major label. Now regularly appears with her producer boyfriend in the fashion and social pages of the papers and is considered a “must have A lister” and events. I guess hard work does pay off.

Gold.

gimme a job, dnzr.

Gold.

Picked a few more eh?

Dnzr I really wanna meet the crazed Asian forklift driver. how long ago did u quit that job? You've got your own thing going now right?

i quit around 3 years ago and worked elsewhere in between.

as ex staffers on here will testify 80% of the staff were awesome people all suffering away together.

and management were just....fuck.

I can Testify. If the place was ran by people with a clue, it would have been a great place to work. The business itself has/had huge potential, it was just let down by the morons running it.

co worker 1: i've just had an oxycontin. _ gave it to me.

co worker 2: when? when did you take that?

co worker 1: about half an hour ago. i'm not in pain any more. my back is fine.

half an hour later.

co worker 1: come and have a look at the nasturtium.

co worker 2. what for?

co worker 1. just come and have a look.

co worker 2. see how it's shaking? there's a rat's nest in there!

co worker 1. have you been looking at that for the last half an hour?

co worker 2: i feel great!

co worker 1: __ wanted me to tell you what is going on.

co worker 2: ahhhh

co worker 1: he's dying.

co worker 2: can you tell me later? he's just over there.

co worker 1: he wanted me to tell you he has less than three months. he'll only be coming in two or three days a week.

co worker 2: ok. thanks. poor __

ten minutes later.

co worker 3: _ wanted me to tell you something.

co worker 1: he's dying?

co worker 3: .oh you know already? he wanted me to tell you.

co worker 1: why is he telling everyone to tell me? you've been running a sweep on him for the last year.

co worker 3: he's got a hospital bed lined up.

co worker 1: maybe you should tell him to sell the rest of his oxys and set up a nest egg up for his kid.

co worker 3: yeah? how much? $25?

co worker 1: fuck i don't know.

co worker 3: i'll take a cut.

co worker 1: no you won't.

co worker 3: i'm going to hell.

co worker 1: i'll be right behind you.

ten minutes later.

co worker 4: what's wrong with __

co worker 1: ahhhhh

co worker 4: what's he in there for?

co worker 1: i don't know.

''...hello. knew it was you. he's at his desk right now. doesn't want to talk to you.''

So in our office, some people are on the phone all day and some people (like me) are doing other shit, like me, and don't really need to talk.

I fucken hate that I hear the voice of some of the people who need not to be on the phone more than the ones are on the phone.

FUCKEN HATE THEIR CONVERSATION.

Maybe I should work with vocally challenged people.

A dude is talking about the on-site massage at work.
And the chair-soiling, stink ham sandwich munching, sexist co-worker started talking about if he should take chance to offer money...

turns up Enter The Wu-Tang on my mp3 player

''...but they were at that international women's day thing, so we had to reschedule''
''we should have an international man's day''
''that's every day''
''we could go to suncorp...get pissed...play x-box...''

And the chair-soiling, stink ham sandwich munching, sexist co-worker started talking about if he should take chance to offer money...

You should encourage him and tell him that it is a great idea and then he might get the sack for soliciting

co worker 1: i'm just taking ten bucks out of petty cash.

co worker 2. yes, that's ok.

co worker 1. i wasn't asking for your permission.

an hour later.

co worker 3: is it okay if i take ten bucks out of petty cash.

co worker 2: no.

co worker 1: yes it is. take it.

co worker 2: we don't have enough.

co worker 1. take it.

co worker 3: can i take it?

co worker 2: no

co worker 1. yes. take it. just take it. fucken hell.

Hahahaha.

co worker 1: mannerr nerr nerrr nrrrr nerrrrr manerrr nerr nerr.

co worker 2:

co worker 1: manerrr nerrr nerrrr nerrrr. manerrr naaaa nrrr?

co worker 2: okay.

co worker 3: fucken hell.

co worker 2: tell him to go home. jesus.

''we should have an international man's day''
''we could go to suncorp...get pissed...play x-box...''

One of my old workplaces had something like this. It was called ''steak and blowjob day'', and the boys revelled in announcing it every Wednesday.

Yeah, that workplace was pretty shit.