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50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex.

missbhaviour  said about 6 years ago  or at  1:29PM on Thursday, August 9 2007 in stupidity
  1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

  2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.

  3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up.

  4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault.

  5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

  6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.

  7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.

  8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that shit, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling.

  9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.

  10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

  11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

  12. Not shaving your legs. Im pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

  13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don't want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

  14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

  15. Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.

  16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".

  17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.

  18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

  19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

  20. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. Theres an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

  21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt.

  22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out.

  23. Undressing in the dark. If youre shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

  24. Refusing to get on top. Theres no reason men should have to do all the work.

  25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

  26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

  27. Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when hes touching you. Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

  28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. Its your choice to stop, but don't look all fucking surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

  29. Refusing to let him take control. So your a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one.

  30. Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start things all the time.

  31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

  32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them.

  33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess.

  34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

  35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

  36. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

  37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It's how you deal with it that really matters.

  38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

  39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

  40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw.

  41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. Thats the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

  42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.

  43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

  44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and things smell a little...fishy...perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

  45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don't care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

  46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They'll wash.

  47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.

  48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

  49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "Forget it" and rolling over are not ok.

  50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.


scrag  said about 6 years ago:

haha. take that bitches!


littlearch  said about 6 years ago:

well hello there missb!


missbhaviour  said about 6 years ago:

thought you cats might find this amusing


eastside  said about 6 years ago:

i'm amused


missbhaviour  said about 6 years ago:

yo lil rach, I just stopped by to raz you guys up a bit!


socks  said about 6 years ago:

Yours sincerely,

BADALEX.


wipey  said about 6 years ago:

yeah ya molls


littlearch  said about 6 years ago:

it's good to see you

it's right you know. don't listen to anything cosmo says


shitjockey  said about 6 years ago:

I'm excited. BA will be here this afternoon.


svelteslacks  said about 6 years ago:

ha, that's rad. and made me want to have sex.


montyclift  said about 6 years ago:
  1. having a man there.

littlearch  said about 6 years ago:

monty...yr leaving yrself wiiiiiiiiiiiide open there


Inactivist  said about 6 years ago:

Only 50?


montyclift  said about 6 years ago:

living on the ragged edge, rach...

my death wish is kicking in again...


Modi  said about 6 years ago:

That's what she said...


thegirlwhocrieddave  said about 6 years ago:

how not to have sex is surely just as bad as how to have sex.

i like how this:

Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't. LIE

is followed by this:

Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego. DON'T LIE


Mo  said about 6 years ago:

GOLD


nicko_mcbrain  said about 6 years ago:

yeah girlwho, apart from some obvs contradictions, there's still some good advice in there - plenty of popular culture lets some women think all they have to do is turn up.


kandos  said about 6 years ago:

Only 50?

yeah. the fifty-first mistake a woman can make when having sex is rooting Inactivist.


Mo  said about 6 years ago:

true nicko


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untold/animals  said about 4 years ago:

Some women are disgraceful.


fethehellcat  said about 4 years ago:

Know why he's pushing, skippy?

Are all these pieces of advice for a girl named Skippy?


untold/animals  said about 4 years ago:

chirp chirp tick tick tick


fethehellcat  said about 4 years ago:

I think the biggest mistake the author of these tips made was thinking that the kanga he picked up at the park was a human girl.

''You're not doing it right Skippy! Suck harder! What's with that pouch thing and why do you have a tail? SUCK HARDER.''

Skippy was just trying to alert him to some danger, not coming on to him.


untold/animals  said about 4 years ago:

His cock fell down a well.


fethehellcat  said about 4 years ago:

He thought it was 'Skippy The Kangaroo With a Bush'.


Zaphod  said about 4 years ago:

His cock fell down a well.

POTD.


CaptainFez  said about 4 years ago:

His cock fell down a well.

And only Matt and Sonny Hammond can help get it back up.


kskippi  said about 4 years ago:

Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know > why he's pushing, skippy

OH RIGHT! NOW I get it...


hillsonghoods  said about 4 years ago:

Obviously there needs to be a big superstar-filled anthem to benefit sufferers of this malady.

''We're sending our cock down the well...''


fethehellcat  said about 4 years ago:

ALL THE WAY DOWN!


dnzr  said about 4 years ago:

hmmm, that list is almost there but not quite.

*yes, you’re being incredibly selfish by not inviting your far more attractive best friend to “come play”. If he goes and sleeps with her, no one is to blame but yourself.

*no, he is not a creep for asking if you’d consider a 3some with your sister. he just thought it was awesome you guys were so close and always doing things together and assumed that closeness and willingness to do things together extended to other areas.

*sometimes when your face is pushed down into a pillow, some words sound different. Stop complaining, you look sorta cool with that bowlegged cowboy swagger.

*yes you are wrong to be offended when asked if you and your friend would like to provide half time “entertainment” at his grand final party. You always go own about how you love bananas and whipped cream as well as saying you’d like to spend more time with his friends. What’s the problem?

*if you didn’t want the live trout put there, then why did you let him tie you up?

*well if you didn’t want to be tied up, why did you sniff the rag when he said “hey, does this smell like chloroform?”…


fethehellcat  said about 4 years ago:

I can no longer work out if we are making fun of misogyny or fun of women.


outerspacextrapnel  said about 4 years ago:

These lines sound like the shit the cocknecks from Entourage say. Man I hate those fucking jerks.


fethehellcat  said about 4 years ago:

So do I outer. So do I.


dnzr  said about 4 years ago:

trying to mock the whole ralph/fhm thing i think...


fethehellcat  said about 4 years ago:

Well, that's good. We should mock that. For it is a cunt of a way to think about sex.


untold/animals  said about 4 years ago:

The list makes me want to poo.


untold/animals  said about 4 years ago:


untold/animals  said about 3 years ago:

fethehellcat said about 7 months ago:
I can no longer work out if we are making fun of misogyny or fun of women.


Morris Iemma  said about 3 years ago:

The only mistake women make is their choice of sex partner in the first place.

This is, of course, a general rule and it never applies to me. Well, sometimes it applies to me.


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