In a van. At 1am. Pre-second show of the national tour with Peabody. 25 x 101 Dalmations rubber squeaking dogs in a bag. Jagermeister.

Matt (Singing + Guitar): Chuck us a squeaker.

(Squeak)

Houston (Bass): People are gonna wanna kill us.
Reid (Drums): I say we do that for a whole hour.

Hows the tour going?

M: Tours goin fuggin good, mate.
R: Peabody is a really good band.
M: What bizness is it of yours, mate?

(Squeak)

M: FUCK OFF!
R: Weve been playing gigs now for about 10 years and ...
M: The name Tucker Bs comes from an old woman, with a very large (squeak).
R: Yesterday was the first time the band ever sounded like a band.
M: We have a new cd coming out soon its called CHUBBY! Our influences ... are people. Bouncers covered in tattoos.
R: Taxi drivers.
H: Fat people and invoices.

Are Peabody good to travel with?

H: Fucked.
M: Fucked.
R: Bunch of cunts.
M: All that I hear is their voice, basically.
R: Bruno just does not shut up.
M: The band is fucken good and theyre quality.
H: Theyre a great band, but as individuals theyre the most flawed fucken people Ive ever met in my life.
R: Greames got some kind of complex where he just has to be really friendly.
H: Its basically like being on holiday with a bunch of sweaty rapists.
M: Anal rapists? Have you ever been anally raped?

(Squeak)

What was the show in Geelong like last night?

M: Lets put it this way ... everything has a hole (Squeak) see that?

(Squeak Squeak Squeak Squeak Squeak Squeak)

R: How good does that sound?!
H: After the gig both the drummers from both bands, the Tucker Bs and Peabody, got punched in the fucking head.
R: Im telling all the other drummers in Australia to never play in Geelong.
M: But apart from worrying about their physical conditions we had a fucken good time watching.

Was that at the same time?

M: Yeah, same time. Boom. Instantly. Fat lips.

Is that because they were talking the same shit?

M: Ahhhhh, thats a fair comment, fair comment.
R: We were smiling like happy attentive people to the rest of the world. Obviously we were targets.
M: Fair comment.
R: To some stupid bogan redneck cunt.
M: Well, Reid may have said something along the lines of Youre all cunts.
R: Gary Ablett is a fucking dickhead!

So on this tour and with your new album about to come out, is it annoying playing new songs when they havent been released yet?

A: Nuh, doesnt make any difference, were already playing new songs that arent even recorded.
M: When pretty much the entire audience hates ya ...
H: Most things are annoying.
M: Doesnt matter if you played Love me Tender.
R: Tall, short.
M: Or your latest hit.
R: Fat, skinny.
M: You end up coming out looking like a cunt, you know what I mean?
R: They dont care, they hate you.

So no ones liked you?

M: Lets just say that everything has a hole!
H: We havent actually noticed anyone liking us yet.
M: No, there have been a couple of people that said ... nice things after stuff.
H: Like, Are you guys going to pack up now?
R: When you did that cover version ... we could relate to it.
M: Like, Before you started playing I was really enjoying myself.
H: And, I think ... I think I can still enjoy myself.
M: Now that youve finished playing.

Where are your costumes?

M: Were in the middle of designing a brand new range of stage wear. That we will market as Playlord accessories and bikinis.

(Squeak)

M: For girls.
R: And Tucker boys.

Are they going to involve lights again?

M: Its going to involve batteries.
R: And Darren.
M: Darren has a very large soldering iron, let me just say that. And plenty of solder.

Since hes not here, lets make the interview about (absent guitarist) Darren.

H: Well, he never got any sunlight until he was seven.
M: He never knew what love was until he joined the Tucker Bs.
H: We had to explain and show Darren.
R: What love was.

What was his reaction?

M: Well, his reaction was, A Starpicket. You want me to love a Starpicket?
R: Its got to start somewhere, Darren.
M: But you cant start with everything, dude.
H: So, the first two years of Darren in the band was him and his Starpicket and us just going Love it!
M: And then he thought the worst was over when Starpicket finished ... and then he was confronted with Sand Paper!
H: And that was a year. Then it was like, Darren wheres your sandpaper?
M: And so ... that man knows how to love now. Hes partially psychotic.
H: Hes prone to psychosis.
M: Its not that he doesnt talk because he doesnt have much to say. Hes got a lot to fucking say. But he generally writes it down.
R: And reads it out to himself. IM NOT HAPPY!
M: On the way down to Melbourne Darren wrote a fucken book.
H: Called NOT HAPPY.
R: Called RUDAS RUDAS NOT HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY CUT SHIT! WHY NEW DRUMMER question mark.

(Squeak Squeak Squeak Squeak)

H: I cant wait to get up and play our first song!
R: With the doggies.
M: Houston can I just say for the record ... that Ive never smelled worse feet.
H: Im sorry.
R: Converse All-Stars are meant to be All Star and you have dirtied those ...
H: Well, Im not the only one, but for some reason Im being singled out because Im the most open and honest about my problems always. Im an open book.

When does this next album come out and why is it better than (first album, and before 2002s Bish Bosh II: The Bosh Bosh) ... Arm a Drunk?

M: Who told you that?
R: Its not actually that good.
M: Its coming out October 3rd. And Ill tell you why its fucking better ...
R: Its a retrospective.
M: The album is so chock-a-bloc full of love, that it will make you feel ...
H: Modest.
M: It will make you hard. It will make you hard. It will make you stand up.
H: With modesty.
M: With modesty.
H: And just be ready to love more.
M: It will make you stand up in shame.
R: Youll pitch a tent.
M: You will look down across your valley, and you will think SHAME.
H: SHAME I NEED TO LOVE MORE! And thats why its going to be a big
seller. R: Thats why the albums called Chubby.
M: Because people are shameful.

Its a political album ...

H: No.
M: Its an album about commitment and shame.

A commitment to shame.

M: Lets start this interview again with the basis that its all about the commitment to shame.
H: Were not ashamed of the album.
M: Just the people we have to give it to.
H: This ones better. You can hear the singing.
R: Its quite commercial.
H: We know our target market now.
M: Theres more or less thought put into it.
H: Theres more or less ideas in there. And theres more or less effort. And its more or less polished.
R: Less effort, but more polish. But the next record will be even better.

(To Reid) Drumming-wise?

R: Not just drumming-wise. Everywhere. Better singing, better guitar ...
M: Were talking everywhere. South America, Europe ... everywhere.
R: Keyboards, dog-noises ...
M: Everything's got a hole.

(Squeak)

+