Silverchair lousy, Foo Fighters too happy and ‘Stairway’ denied – DAVE GRANEY belatedly weighs in on triple j’s fiercely debated Hottest 100 Of All Time.

1. Nirvana: ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’
Boston’s ‘More Than a Feeling’ with different lyrics. Not as good either.

2. Rage Against the Machine: ‘Killing In The Name’
No funk funk.

3. Jeff Buckley: ‘Hallelujah’
Tim was better and I can’t stand Leonard Cohen.

4. Joy Division: ‘Love Will Tear Us Apart’
Great song. Singer's death took it into Barbara Cartland territory forever.

5. Radiohead: ‘Paranoid Android’
What a shit name for a song, thusly I have never gone near it.

6. Queen: ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’
Worst pop act of all time. This was a hit because they had a video. Bad lyrics, singing, guitar tones, drums. The joke has always been over.

7. Jeff Buckley: ‘Last Goodbye’
Sting with more guitar.

8. Red Hot Chili Peppers: ‘Under The Bridge’
Therapy. Though their songs do stand a lot of continuous pounding on the airwaves and still sound fresh. Took until the 1000th involuntary hearing for me to rise to that opinion.

9. Foo Fighters: ‘Everlong’
Too happy. Kurt would’ve hated this stuff.

10. Led Zeppelin: ‘Stairway to Heaven’
Overplayed in 1976.

11. John Lennon: ‘Imagine’
One of his worst, most schlocky pieces. Saw Joan Collins do it once, backed by an orchestra, dripping in jewels. That was better.

12. Oasis: ‘Wonderwall’
How did they go so far? Funny I guess. Like a Punch and Judy show.

13. Radiohead: ‘Creep’
Never listened to them after this. It was so bad. Sounded like Elvis Costello to me. Beck had ‘Loser’ out around the same time. I was into winners.

14. The Verve: ‘Bittersweet Symphony’
The Stones old manager got them to pay him 100 percent royalties.

15. Radiohead: ‘Karma Police’
They still here?

16. Pink Floyd: ‘Wish You Were Here’
Only good when Syd was in the band then they sang songs about him. Terribly predictable chords, a busker’s favourite. Stoner’s downer.

17. Hilltop Hoods: ‘The Nosebleed Section’
I like them, they’re from Adelaide. Is this the Leon Russell sample? That was great. I applaud any Australian act who has penetrated the mob skull this far.

18. Muse: ‘Knights Of Cydonia’
Queen updated. Didn’t like the first model.

19. Metallica: ‘One’
These boys are deserving of any award.

20. White Stripes: ‘Seven Nation Army’
I like the fuzz and the octave and the lyrics.

21. Powderfinger: ‘These Days’
I applaud any Australian act who has penetrated the mob skull this far. When I first heard Bernard Fanning I thought his voice was cute and weak. Like Reg Presley from the Troggs. I thought they should have done Troggs-type music. That’s how bad a critic I am, I guess, because everybody else always talks about his singing as if he’s a new Michael McDonald.

22. Massive Attack: ‘Teardrop’
Don’t know this one. I like most of their stuff.

23. Hunters & Collectors: ‘Throw Your Arms Around Me’
I applaud any Australian act who has penetrated the mob skull this far. Having said that, it’s a strangely hymn-like and bloodless song of passion, though maybe I’m thinking of Paul McDermott singing it. Mark writes sweetly of the song and its inspiration in his book Thirteen Tonne Theory. The song is too heavy for me though.

24. The Beatles: ‘A Day in the Life’
I like Jeff Beck’s instrumental version.

25. Pearl Jam: ‘Alive’
Pioneers of the Francis the Talking Mule vocal style.

26. Michael Jackson: ‘Thriller’
Brilliant. And popular.

27. Powderfinger: ‘My Happiness’
I applaud any Australian act who has penetrated the mob skull this far.

28. Radiohead: ‘Fake Plastic Trees’
Why are these guys still around? They did their best to get kicked back to the sticks! Let them go!

29. Pixies: ‘Where Is My Mind?’
The critics shouted so loudly I could never hear them.

30. Jimi Hendrix: ‘All Along the Watchtower’
Great performance and recording. Nobody could follow this guy in any area. Used to great effect in the film Withnail and I.

31. Metallica: ‘Enter Sandman’
Of course. A great track.

32. New Order: ‘Blue Monday’
Late night student disco fave. I always love to hear this.

33. Silverchair: ‘Tomorrow’
Lousy.

34. The Living End: ‘Prisoner Of Society’
Worse.

35. Smashing Pumpkins: ‘1979’
Tried to like this mob. ‘Disarm’ was nice. His voice grates. They are not that smashing, really.

36. Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds: ‘Into My Arms’
A plodder of a tune. Awkward and clunky. People love it!

37. Tool: ‘Stinkfist’
Sounds rude. I’ll never hear this.

38. The Killers: ‘Mr Brightside’
Of all time?

39. Pearl Jam: ‘Better Man’
That mule is back.

40. Nirvana: ‘Come As You Are’
Ripped off Killing Joke for this one and The Coral Snakes’ ‘You Wanna Be There But You Don’t Wanna Travel’. Nice tune though. Too much chorus as usual.

41. Michael Jackson: ‘Billie Jean’
Classic. He must be getting lonely as there are so few brothers in the house.

42. Bloc Party: ‘Banquet’
Who?

43. The Beach Boys: ‘God Only Knows’
Classic.

44. The Beatles: ‘Hey Jude’
From their decadent period.

45. Queens of the Stone Age: ‘No One Knows’
I’d prefer something from Era Vulgaris. Maybe ‘In The Hollow’. This is undeniably funky though.

46. Faith No More: ‘Epic’
No.

47. John Butler Trio: ‘Betterman’
No tunes. No funk. A dry bob.

48. Beastie Boys: ‘Sabotage’
Yes, innovators and crossers of boundaries. Loons. Icons.

49. Guns 'N Roses: ‘Sweet Child O' Mine’
Joke act. Shit singer, dopey guitarist.

50. Crowded House: ‘Don't Dream It's Over’
It’s over!

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Dave Graney started to write songs in the post-punk period when ideology and self expression and mythology were all screwed up and meeting head on. He currently plies his trade in the Lurid Yellow Mist and recently released a solo album, Knock Yourself Out. His column appears monthly.

PART TWO: Graney drops his two cents on numbers 51-100.