Ahead of Sunday’s Community Cup at Elsternwick Park in Melbourne, chairman of selectors DAVE GRANEY picks his ultra-indie dream 22. Cup day photography by ANDREW KELLY.

The Community Cup gets off to a bad start this week when it sinks into the organisers’ heads that I, who have been listed as chairman of selectors, will not actually be there. Luckily, I saw this coming, put together a team and sent them towards the field of play before I left.

A friend had told me that a certain bike gang would – for a fee – collect any bad debts you had lying around and do a job for you. It’s the new black economy, only it’s kind of red. Blood red. I had a tonne of bad debts around town and got in touch with them via a couple of high-profile AFL footballers. They took the black holes out of my wallet and I traded them for the task of press-ganging a team together for the Cup. The players I had in mind would not be volunteering for the job. In fact, the football match or the charity it was supposed to be helping would not be on their radars. Not because they aren’t generous people, more that they are consumed in a titanic inner-city group mind-meld of such intricate sensitivities and tensions that they could not just leave off and stray outside the city walls; the city of indie rock that, had they not built, they had at least redrawn the boundaries of. Once it had been only Fitzroy, now it stretched all the way to Fawkner.

This Community Cup was problematic too, in that it had links to the other ancient bohemian city state that had existed south of the river. No one ever went there any more. It was a known mafia stronghold and people went missing there. It was like a little bit of Sydney down by the beach. It was evil.

So I sent my brothers out to the dens of indie world to get a team together and take them to Elsternwick Park. (Elsternwick! What devil had chosen this hellhole for the game? Known only for the most famous brothel in Melbourne, The Daily Planet, and the ABC studios where Countdown had once been filmed and Spicks and Specks is shot now. Both shows being foreign countries to indie rock. One being a lost world of actual pop stars from pop radio and the other being some sort of adult parlour game for drunken straights). There they were to corral the mob into a change room, lock the door and by the time the game arrived, we would have a team.

Knowing I was going to be away, I left a strong game plan that I recorded onto a cassette tape that would be played on constant repeat to the team as they were held in the dressing rooms until the day of the game. Basically, to go and kick long droppies and to take long runs along the wing, bouncing the ball and mocking the opposition and showing off merrily to the assembled gallery at every opportunity. Also, to kick lots of goals and so defeat the opposition. Sounds simple, but true. And that’s what it is. Hopefully the players would come out of the game and take the same approach to their music careers, i.e. just write some short pop songs and get them on the radio. 
 These are the players I picked for my ultra indie dream team.

First, I wanted some South Australian skills in the line-up. A peace gesture across the border and we also needed some football smarts. So I got Matt Banham from No Through Road. A name like that would make a killer full back. He can also talk underwater and has an encyclopaedic knowledge of awful ’80s movies to broaden our team’s inner-cultural reserves. Remember, there was to be no coach, just a big leadership group. We needed an extensive reserve of cliches, moves and references to bring the team together at crucial points. Matt could just yell, “OK! It’s like that time in Lethal Weapon 4!”, and everybody would be on the same page.

From the west, I needed Joe McKee from Snowman. He’s tall and mean-looking and surely could kick the pill along a little bit. Lots of gas in the tank. I would have to fly him back from London in a helicopter, perhaps to arrive at half time, the team being hopelessly smashed, the sprigs of his boots glinting in the afternoon sun and him saying, deadpan: “I hear there's a game goin’ on.” The indie team would then grow a few feet and tear the opposition a new one.

Also, as Joe is talking, Sara Chadwick from Batrider would sneak off the helicopter and onto the field. For the rest of the game she would walk around, as a floating player, screaming in people’s faces with those incredible pipes of hers.

Back pocket, we’d have Jon Michell from the Ancients and Mum Smokes to beat up the resting rovers; stand on their feet and pinch them. In the other defensive pocket, we’d have Ian Wadley, just keeping him out of the action as he's a bit uncoordinated. Tall though, so he could mind the other resting ruckman. Running half-back flank would be Michael Stranges from Salmon. Soccer skills coming in handy. Centre half-back we’d have Chris Hollow, former St Kilda and Port Melbourne player and bass player for the Sand Pebbles. Hopefully, the ball wouldn’t get past him at all so the backline could just lay around and do drawings and stuff most of the day. On the other flank, we’d have Ben Cousins just for a stir.

"In the ruck, we’d have Henry Wagons. Not really that tall but solid and again, good with the talk. He’ll either annoy his opponent off his game or into punching him, or both."

Centre wing, Si the Philanthropist from the Wagons. For rolling joints and his height, of course. Centre, Plutonic, a man of few words but a steely gaze. He could talk some beats with Si and bamboozle the opposition. They don’t know what “beats” are.

Centre wing, Zöe Randell from Luluc. She’s very Nordic which always catches the umpire’s eye so she’ll get free kicks all day. Also very intelligent and will add to the team’s inner-culture by educating them at the changes. In the ruck, we’d have Henry Wagons. Not really that tall but solid and again, good with the talk. He’ll either annoy his opponent off his game or into punching him, or both. Either way, good for the team.

Ruck Rover, Matt Walker. He can’t kick or mark but is a great guy and just loves to run. We’ll give him a go. Rover, Jeff Lang. He has the worst temper in all of music. It’s like having the Tasmanian Devil on the ball. Ashley Davies would like to play and is just as ferocious, but he’s an Eagles fan and would be distracted by the proximity of Ben Cousins. He can’t let go. I think we’ll draft him to the other team. He’ll just stare at Ben.

Half forward, Dom Bourke from the Wayfaring Strangers. Such a great mover. Quick and unpredictable. Centre half-forward, Tony Martin, the genius comic writer, performer and director. He’s got the height and the glasses so he’ll see the ball before anybody else. Also, he’s never played before so he’ll be thinking unlike anyone ever in the history of the game and will be very inventive and creative. That looks great on paper, at least. On the other flank, we’d have Jane Dust. She recently took an interest in the game, so again we’ll be leagues in front of the other team who will be hopelessly stuck in old paradigms. The fools! We’d also have Zayd Thring from Pets with Pets, standing in the middle of the field with the sleeves of his already torn guernsey over his fisted hands, occasionally wiping his nose.

At full forward, we have Guy Blackman. He has the height, the glasses and is blonde. He will be able to see the ball first and will get free kicks constantly (the umpires being traditionally dazzled by blonde hair. See Jason Akermanis). He is also West Australian and will bring some of those mysterious Sandgroping skills with him. They learn that shit in the cradle out there. The winners!

In the forward pocket, we have Oliver Mann who has a very loud and clear voice which is imperative on the field, and his brother Paddy (aka Grand Salvo) in the other pocket. He sings very softly. You need balance in all areas of life, I find. On the interchange bench, we have Beaches. They count as one player, they are such a unit. I will leave instructions for them to be part of a midfield rotation that will leave our opponents in the dust. Also, Rowland S Howard and his brother Harry will be there, should we need some height, cigarette smoke and an imperious stare if Tony Martin falls over. 


Team management is a science. Our secret weapon will be Mark “Barrage” Barrage, who has a very big pair of glasses and also works for ASIO. He will be able to bring along some taser guns and capsicum spray and neat shit like that. He will be a shady presence on the field. Is he a player or a runner or a trainer? Those other idiots will be consulting the rule books as we slot goal after goal after goal.

Daina Fanning, once of the Emergency, should be in a band and had a brother who was ruck for Collingwood. She must have learned something at Xmas time. She’s interchange as well.

Next to the interchange bench we’d have Lewis Boyes from St Helens in full kit ready to run onto the field. He will not be in the team though – and neither will he be told this. We need to see his tall athletic frame ready to launch onto the filed at any moment. He will be chewing up the dugout, ready to play. He is there to give the opposition the heebs and also to give those in the crowd something to moan about. They can talk to each other about how the game would have taken a different course if only Lewis had been thrown on earlier. People need dreams. Especially impossible, thwarted, stillborn ones.

There is no opposition who could stand up to this team. The one I imagine being there on Sunday would be led by a couple of managers who had dreams of one day going to South by South West; their mobiles on hold at the switchboard of a commercial radio station waiting to ask someone what they should do, their players dutifully hanging on for the next word. Of course, there could also be a mob of those hard drinking, tattooed, dangerous types. They’d all be gathered around our mates from the debt-collecting biker gang like a BUNCH OF GIRLS!

I now leave town, knowing I have done my bit for charity, football and the future of rock music.

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The Community Cup will take place on Sunday, June 21, at Elsternwick Park, 11am. Kick off at 2.30pm.