Food On The Way Home
What is it about live music that instils such disregard for one’s health?
I’m not talking about the booze, nor the dance floor beating nor chandelier hanging.
I’m talking about garlic yoghurt and congealed cheese. I’m talking neon signs, blurred menus and bain-maries. I’m talking grease.
So you’ve sweated, shimmied and stomped through a night of sound.
From indie rock to melodic pop. From drum machines and plug-ins to acoustic sets.
You’ve fallen from tables, maybe even from grace.
You’ve emptied kegs and screamed your little lungs out.
And now you’ve got The Hunger.
What follows is a rudimentary guide to the good, the bad, and the downright ugly of post-gig fast food. The places to avoid and the places to worship.
This is the journey of the post-gig-grease-groupies.
(Fear not non-Melbournians, for while the following examples of fast food hedonism lie on the Victorian streets, you may rest assured that after-gig grub is an international phenomenon. They lie in waiting, wherever and whenever buckling legs, flushed cheeks and sodden shirts spill from the after glow of gigs).
Steamed or Fried?
After another brooding night at Ding Dong it’s best to steer clear of the ‘Steamboat’, the boiling broth. Something about having to cook the food for yourself is worrying, there is just too much room for error. Remember, you can’t even walk, let alone judge the appropriate cooking time of a frozen dim sim. What you need are dumplings. They are cheap, easy and utterly fantastic. Wind your way through Chinatown’s alleys to hunt out these hidden temples of goodness. Bustling with late-night feeders, it’s a soy sauce free for all.
Rocker’s Rating: 8.5/10
Burgers Are Us
So, you have just left an amazing gig at The Corner and there’s a somewhat inevitable feeling growing as you head homeward. On Victoria Parade there glows the haunting promise, ‘Drive Thru’. Your mind sees damnation, but your stomach sees a burger and shake.
There is a range of options here, but remember that this cardboard-like take-out has been assembled by apathetic young creatures, stuffed to the eyeballs in No-Doze and teenage malaise.
Rocker’s Rating: 4/10
!Viva Nachos!
Well, you’ve just witnessed a woman dancing front of stage with a broom at The Espy. Deciding enough is enough you head to Fitzroy St, St Kilda. Forget south of the river Yarra, try south of the Rio Grande, you’re below the border now mi amigo! Forgo the enchiladas, quesadillas and tacos for the head honcho, the nachos.
Dripping in fake cheese that can’t naturally be that yellow and with way more sauce than beans, it’s a messy one, but when they say ‘grande’ they mean it. Fantastico! Nuff said.
Rocker’s Rating: 6/10
Tried and Dried
Your favourite international act has just blown your mind and you are looking for something to calm those butterflies in your stomach. After emerging from the Roman antiquity of The Forum, or The Hi-Fi’s dark basement, take your feet to Swanston Street. Walk past the ‘classics’ and their global symbols, cast your eyes along the cavalry of chiko rolls and there, glistening and shellacked, you will find the $1 pizza. The beauty of these magic wedges of filthy goodness is that they will leave you with just the right change for the last tram to the after party.
Rocker’s Rating: 7/10
The Hot Dawg
There is always a vendor on the streets, be it in London, New York or Melbourne, pushing the dogcart with onions and mustard. When in Melbourne try AC/DC Lane. Winding your way up the alley after another EP or label launch at Cherry or Honkytonks, grab a snag in a bun. Be sure to get cheese on it, this is late-night rule number one!
Rocker’s Rating: 6/10
Not-in-a-Hurry, Tikka Masala
Well, this one’s for the patient few and is a real treat. Maybe your Saturday night has seen you at the Northcote Social Club, or you’ve caught your flatmate’s band at The Empress or grappled for floor space at The Tote. Either way, you would be doing well to make your way to the garlic naan, to curry, pappadums, raita and heaped bowls of steaming coconut rice. Don’t forget your hot towel!
Rocker’s Rating: 9/10
Not-in-a-Hurry, Tikka Masala
Well, this one’s for the patient few and is a real treat. Maybe your Saturday night has seen you at the Northcote Social Club, or you’ve caught your flatmate’s band at The Empress or grappled for floor space at The Tote. Either way, you would be doing well to make your way to the garlic naan, to curry, pappadums, raita and heaped bowls of steaming coconut rice. Don’t forget your hot towel!
Rocker’s Rating: 9/10
Breaking the Fast
You’ve been trash-bagging it at Pony, now it’s 5.23am. To be honest, after a night like this, you may not want to eat much. If you’ve made it this far into the night it’s odds on that your hunger may well be suppressed. Technically, you’ve missed the after-gig food boat. It’s just about breakfast by the time you fall off this horse. Maybe just make a dash to City Stop for milk. Weet-Bix at home I think.
Rocker’s Rating: 3/10
Sailing the Good Ship Shish
Depending on preference, you can go Greek, Lebanese or Turkish. But either way the shish kebab, doner kebab or souvlaki is the king of takeaway. After a night of dancing at The Stage on Smith Street to shambolic guitars and indie energy you head to Control (HQ) in Collingwood. But not before you visit the kebab shop. Ah, chilli hiccups! Bless.
Or maybe you’re heading home from a St Jerome’s summer street party? For the souvlaki there is only one choice. Stalactites. 24 hours of hummus. The Acropolis of Lonsdale St, the Parthenon of late night meat worship.
Rocker’s Rating: 9.9999999/10
Well, here must this brief guide to after-gig fast food end. After enjoying the live music Melbourne has to offer, you now have some idea how to, or how not to, finish the night off, with more razzle-dazzle than the volcano at Smorgy’s. Remember, these adventures will be your encore performance, approach them with daring. Seek out the grease and sustenance with sinning single-mindedness. Reward your battered body with fuel after the night’s giddy heights of guitar solos and rattling drums.
Whistle loudly through the streets with a food parcel in your hand, steaming, shining, and a melody in your ears.
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